Monday, 11 January 2016

In the name of our Lord, Shri Narendra Damodardas Modi

A still from an actual video produced by our Censor Board chief in praise of our Lord 

"By all accounts, however, he is an insular, distrustful person... He reigns more by fear and intimidation than by inclusiveness and consensus, and is rude, condescending and often derogatory to even high level party officials. He hoards power and often leaves his ministers in the cold when making decisions that affect their portfolios" 

(US Consul General (Mumbai)'s 2005 secret cables as revealed by WikiLeaks)

Let me confess that the reality didn't dawn on me at first (of course it didn't). It was Shri Lokesh Chanda, our newly appointed chief of ICCR (Indian Council of Cultural Relations), who first connected the dots. Close on the heels of his coronation, he revealed our Lord to be a veritable incarnation of God on earth, with a "more meaningful impact" on the poor than Karl Marx (He also said something about being greater than Gandhi, but that was a mistake. We have standards, you know). 

Its not as if our Lord kept us completely in the dark. We were encouraged, after all, to substitute His name in place of Mahadev's. And until unenlightened seers forced us to abandon its public performance, our cacophony of 'Har Har Modi' would singe the secular ear, everytime His Holiness graced the dais. To be fair though, He could have blessed that temple some of us were building for him; that would have made things clear. But what can one say? The Lord works in mysterious ways!

Anyway, coming to the main point. You see, our Holy PM is the most misunderstood entity on the planet. He has given statements after statements extolling the virtues of peace and inter-communal harmony, but paid media won't show any of that (I get my information through Naarad Muni). Instead, they keep coming back to a speech His Holiness delivered in 2002, during one of His Gaurav Yatras or "pride marches" (raam raam, not that pride march)  :

What brothers, should we run relief camps? Should I start children-producing centers?.. We are five, and our 25! (Ame paanch, amaara pachees!) Can’t Gujarat implement family planning? Whose inhibitions are coming in our way? Which religious sect is coming in the way? 

Now, you really need to be a sickular to think this has anything to do with Muslims. As our Master explained to SIT, it was simply a general statement about India's increasing population. That the SIT interrogator effectively belied His claim is totally irrelevant. Gods don't lie. 

James Michael Lyngdoh, on the other hand, sure does. And yes, his being a Christian (which my Master took care to emphasize 6 times during an election rally) makes his loyalties naturally suspect. His Holiness was right to speculate that perhaps he and the Italian bahu 'meet in Church' to conspire against him. What else, but an Italian-Christian conspiracy could possibly explain why this highly decorated Election Commissioner refused to hold polls in a communally-charged Gujarat where thousands were still languishing in relief camps ? Hain ?

I absolutely fail to understand this obsession with 2002. Hasn't the SIT given our Lord a clean chit ?  Or is it that even the Supreme Court fails to measure up to your "pseudo-intellectual" standards ? At least, show them some respect. (Unless of course, if its a matter of faith. Then, as His Holiness-turned-pishaach so eloquently implied, the Courts can go and screw themselves!)

Thankfully, our nation saw right through their hypocrisy and pseudo-secular blabber. In May 2014, they gave His Holiness a resounding victory over that "Jersey cow", her "hybrid bacchda" and a notorious "Pakistani agent". Reciprocating their trust, our Lord declared a 10-year moratorium on communal politics, and immediately appointed Shri Yogi Aditynath ji as BJP's star campaigner for UP elections. Now Adityanath ji, as you all know, has always campaigned against bureaucratic red tape. "No need to engage in formalities like FIRs", he once thundered. "For every Hindu that dies", the crowd was assured, "we'll kill at least 100 of their ilk". 

Muslims stopped practicing love jihad after the UP elections and immediately started eating beef. It wasn't their mistake, you see. Who, after all, can refuse to take part in our Lord's Divine Plan ? Cow became our star campaigner in the Bihar elections. It would've carried the day but Forces of Evil got together and formed a Mahagathbandhan. Fearing Anticipating loss, His Holiness decided to further contribute to inter-community relations. Twice in His rallies, He revealed the oppositions's conspiracy to take away reservations from OBCs and dalits, and (horror of horrors) place them in the lap of THAT community! Suffice it to say that the world was left stunned by such grace!

In spite of such a progressive campaign, damnation they preferred, over my Lord's offer of communal redemption. Heathens, all of them! 

With characteristic tranquility, His Holiness moved on. Not the presstitudes though. They keep quibbling about our "discussion" on removing the word "secular" from the Preamble, or Our Lord's hypocritical, roundabout, paradoxical stand on conversions or the fact that he counts among his heroes, a man who openly advocated taking away citizen's rights from non-Hindus. Whatever. They'll never focus on all the good work He is doing. The Man has been travelling virtually non-stop in order to bring foreign investment into our economy. Doesn't that make up for everything ? 

India is virtually guaranteed to outstrip China in terms of annual growth rate. But in a sense, that was inevitable, naheen ? With a Yale-certified Education Minister, a param-sanskaari Culture Minister, disinfected ICHR, "nationalised" NBT and a Yudhishthira-led FTII, how can there not be growth ? 

Sharm inko magar aati nahi...

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